Is there a “source” for relationships? Do they come from somewhere? Are they the natural result of being a human being? Do they flow from loneliness, need or something else maybe even something bigger than us?
Whether or not one believes in God I think it is interesting to read things from all sources including the bible, and look at life from a different light. Take Genesis 1:26-27 for instance:
“Then God said, “let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness,
…and God created man in His own image. In the image of God He created them;
male and female He created them:”
Did you notice it? Did it stand out to you? Yes, it talks about God creating but what hit me was what the image of God was. In the first phrase there are three plural pronouns. God lives in relationship with Himself (something I would never claim to understand). IF, God truly did create mankind in His image then we would reflect him, we would be created in and for relationship.
That would mean we are created for relationship with God (all three of Him) and with each other. Is the possibility of relationships and the plausibility of relationships mapped somewhere deep in our DNA?
For me the answer is a resounding yes. Today, I am taken back years to college when I first read about babies with no parents who died when they had no human touch. Even if they had all the nourishment and protection they needed without a basic relationship of being touched by other humans they died.
Relationships are part of our very being and even if we have a personality that draws energy from being by ourselves I believe we will find a certain joy and even necessity in relationships.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Without Hope There is Nothing
The ebb and flow of every relationship begins in the Petri dish of hope. Without it the relationship never begins except for those formed out of requirements like employment, abuse and slavery.
For the others, those of choice and even love they are born of hope. A young woman meets a man who is caring, receiving and even at some level “softer” than other men she has known. A hope is born in her hear, “could this be the one?”
A man sees a woman, first attracted by her visually, he risks and she responds. The hope springs alive within him.
When this hope is encouraged, fed and grows so does the relation between a man and woman, two friends, fellow workers, or whoever is willing to offer hope to another.
The beginning of the end of that relationship is when hope is nicked or damaged. If not repaired the loss of hope over a period of time is the bleed that leads to the ultimate death of the relationship.
Hope is built on caring, communicating, truthfulness, being real and trust. If you desire to grow a relationship you are currently in or start a new one feed it with these morsels.
For the others, those of choice and even love they are born of hope. A young woman meets a man who is caring, receiving and even at some level “softer” than other men she has known. A hope is born in her hear, “could this be the one?”
A man sees a woman, first attracted by her visually, he risks and she responds. The hope springs alive within him.
When this hope is encouraged, fed and grows so does the relation between a man and woman, two friends, fellow workers, or whoever is willing to offer hope to another.
The beginning of the end of that relationship is when hope is nicked or damaged. If not repaired the loss of hope over a period of time is the bleed that leads to the ultimate death of the relationship.
Hope is built on caring, communicating, truthfulness, being real and trust. If you desire to grow a relationship you are currently in or start a new one feed it with these morsels.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Two Ears - One Mouth
With a title like this you might assume that I am suggesting that having two ears means that we should use them twice as much as we use our mouth. You are right. Practicing good listening skills is a very powerful way to say you care for another person or at some level you are valuing them. This will be helpful in all kinds of relationships including but not limited too husband – wife, employee – employer, parent – child, doctor – patient, etc.
The use of the most basic listening skill, content listening, in which you convey back to the speaker what you have heard and get their acknowledgement of your having heard them correctly is a powerful relationship tool.
Most of us hear around 20% of what is being said and then we proceed in our minds to start forming our response. We can begin to build a statement of agreement or opposition but in either case we are no longer clearly hearing what the speaker is saying. When, we respond with our statement without confirming what we have heard the door is then open to confusion and argument. It can also lead to each person “building their case” even in situations that they agree on but they have not clearly heard each other.
The simple use of a phrase like, “this is what I heard you say”, and then waiting to hear the other person’s agreement that you have heard them builds a foundation for clear communication even when you disagree. We all have a need to feel significant and real listening to a person gives them a sense of value and significance.
We encourage you to use your ears well today.
Dave & Gail
The use of the most basic listening skill, content listening, in which you convey back to the speaker what you have heard and get their acknowledgement of your having heard them correctly is a powerful relationship tool.
Most of us hear around 20% of what is being said and then we proceed in our minds to start forming our response. We can begin to build a statement of agreement or opposition but in either case we are no longer clearly hearing what the speaker is saying. When, we respond with our statement without confirming what we have heard the door is then open to confusion and argument. It can also lead to each person “building their case” even in situations that they agree on but they have not clearly heard each other.
The simple use of a phrase like, “this is what I heard you say”, and then waiting to hear the other person’s agreement that you have heard them builds a foundation for clear communication even when you disagree. We all have a need to feel significant and real listening to a person gives them a sense of value and significance.
We encourage you to use your ears well today.
Dave & Gail
Monday, October 29, 2007
A Key to Joyful Relationships
We had a fight yesterday over how I (Dave) responded to Gail's question about men I respected. She felt like I was negative in the way I responded and therefore felt like I had "cut her off at the knees". There are a myriad of reactions I could have had but rather than go to all those defensive places today I thought about what the whole interaction said about our not having joy in our relationship.
What I believe ultimately happened to both of us is that we took hold of one of the key elements that kills joyfulness in a relationship, self focus. I in my maleness was reacting to feeling put on the spot. I thought giving an answer to the question was much more significant than what Gail wanted by asking the question. I became focused on securing my safety by turning the question back to her and asking "what women do you respect?"
Her reaction was more to my tone than to my words as all she wanted in asking the question was to connect with me and learn more about me. She became self focused in reaction to my tone.
As I write here this morning with much more time to have viewed it all I realize that had either or both of us switched our focus to other-centeredness both the experience and the outcome would have been more endearing.
Relationships so often get bogged down in self focus. We look to the other to get our sense of okayness, value, self worth, etc. and the other person feels trapped, used, or just plain doesn't understand. One of the most valuable things we can do to experience joy in a relationship is to become other centered. When we can stop in the middle of an arguement, take a moment before we react and just ask ourselves what is he/she looking for. What do they need? How can I give to them rather than get something I need? By asking those kinds of questions we begin the opportunity to give to the other person.
The amazing thing about giving is that when it is done in a healthy manner it actually gives back. When we give any good thing to another we are going to experience the positive response of that gift as it flows out of us. (Unless our total motiviation for giving is to get).
Gail and I have not fully repaired the relationship from the events of yesterday but I am going to begin to look for ways to give to her today simply to convey to her my love and her importance. Hopefully, I will have more to give to you via this blog as I put into practice what I have suggested here.
What I believe ultimately happened to both of us is that we took hold of one of the key elements that kills joyfulness in a relationship, self focus. I in my maleness was reacting to feeling put on the spot. I thought giving an answer to the question was much more significant than what Gail wanted by asking the question. I became focused on securing my safety by turning the question back to her and asking "what women do you respect?"
Her reaction was more to my tone than to my words as all she wanted in asking the question was to connect with me and learn more about me. She became self focused in reaction to my tone.
As I write here this morning with much more time to have viewed it all I realize that had either or both of us switched our focus to other-centeredness both the experience and the outcome would have been more endearing.
Relationships so often get bogged down in self focus. We look to the other to get our sense of okayness, value, self worth, etc. and the other person feels trapped, used, or just plain doesn't understand. One of the most valuable things we can do to experience joy in a relationship is to become other centered. When we can stop in the middle of an arguement, take a moment before we react and just ask ourselves what is he/she looking for. What do they need? How can I give to them rather than get something I need? By asking those kinds of questions we begin the opportunity to give to the other person.
The amazing thing about giving is that when it is done in a healthy manner it actually gives back. When we give any good thing to another we are going to experience the positive response of that gift as it flows out of us. (Unless our total motiviation for giving is to get).
Gail and I have not fully repaired the relationship from the events of yesterday but I am going to begin to look for ways to give to her today simply to convey to her my love and her importance. Hopefully, I will have more to give to you via this blog as I put into practice what I have suggested here.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)