We had a fight yesterday over how I (Dave) responded to Gail's question about men I respected. She felt like I was negative in the way I responded and therefore felt like I had "cut her off at the knees". There are a myriad of reactions I could have had but rather than go to all those defensive places today I thought about what the whole interaction said about our not having joy in our relationship.
What I believe ultimately happened to both of us is that we took hold of one of the key elements that kills joyfulness in a relationship, self focus. I in my maleness was reacting to feeling put on the spot. I thought giving an answer to the question was much more significant than what Gail wanted by asking the question. I became focused on securing my safety by turning the question back to her and asking "what women do you respect?"
Her reaction was more to my tone than to my words as all she wanted in asking the question was to connect with me and learn more about me. She became self focused in reaction to my tone.
As I write here this morning with much more time to have viewed it all I realize that had either or both of us switched our focus to other-centeredness both the experience and the outcome would have been more endearing.
Relationships so often get bogged down in self focus. We look to the other to get our sense of okayness, value, self worth, etc. and the other person feels trapped, used, or just plain doesn't understand. One of the most valuable things we can do to experience joy in a relationship is to become other centered. When we can stop in the middle of an arguement, take a moment before we react and just ask ourselves what is he/she looking for. What do they need? How can I give to them rather than get something I need? By asking those kinds of questions we begin the opportunity to give to the other person.
The amazing thing about giving is that when it is done in a healthy manner it actually gives back. When we give any good thing to another we are going to experience the positive response of that gift as it flows out of us. (Unless our total motiviation for giving is to get).
Gail and I have not fully repaired the relationship from the events of yesterday but I am going to begin to look for ways to give to her today simply to convey to her my love and her importance. Hopefully, I will have more to give to you via this blog as I put into practice what I have suggested here.
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