Letting Go

After a prolonged blogging absence I am back. Although my title is not about letting go of my desires to regularly participate in this blog it does have to do with one area of self related expectations. It is already March, no surprise to anyone who reads this soon but it gives perspective to future readers, and I am thinking back to the recent Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations and what it was like to have limited participation by each of our children who are no longer residing at home and no involvement by our son in the Navy.

As I thought about hopes and request for their presence anytime during the year I realized that if we were constantly requesting or demanding that they spend time with us they might respond by visiting but we might not really know what their motive would be (just to please mom and dad?) or the impact (possible resentment at strong demands for them to be here?). It could just as easily be guilt or resentment as it was love, respect and interest.

When we allow them the freedom at this point in their lives to make their own decision the time they do decide to spend with us is more likely to be positive and healthy for all of us.

Is it hard to offer that open handed, freedom based request? Yes! Does it hurt a little or a lot when they decide to be somewhere else? …at some level yes. But we offer them a real sense of our valuing who they are when we “allow” them their own decisions. Then the times when they choose to spend with us encourage the relationship to grow deeper and more meaningful for all.

We have heard many who are deeply saddened when children leave home after high school or college. We have experienced that for both the child who leaves and the parents who remain this is a good opportunity to find a completeness not in each other but from within, particularly if you have a faith directed belief in God with whom you walk through this event.

It takes me back to an expression I first heard in my introductory college psychology course. Looking ahead to children leaving the home might present and emotional “approach avoidance situation” Enjoy approaching their maturing and your freedom to do more of what you like and you may indirectly avoid some of the associated loss of their leaving.