Joy In Relationships

Warmth and Concern:

2011-01-31T13:15:00.000-08:00

Warmth and Concern - Encouraging another’s mind and emotions through hearty kindness in words and actions.

a. Share verbally kind words of love and support

b. Practice appropriate physical touch – hugs, handshakes, etc.

c. With sensitivity enter another’s space with positive intent

When we express warmth and concern to others we actually open our own souls to the experience of that same closeness and relational invitation. We encourage you to practice expressing warmth and concern not based on your feelings but solely based on the presence of Christ in you and His grace and mercy living from within you.

Growing a Relationship through Admiration

2011-01-27T13:47:00.000-08:00

Would you like to improve every relationship that you are in....?

One of the most powerful ways that you can have healthy relationships at all levels in your life is to become one who initiates helping others get their basic needs meet.

One need that we all have is to be admired. We tend to look to others to meet that need is us instead of seeing each relationship we are in as an opportunity to help others get the need met. Below are several ways to give admiration to another:

1. Verbalize positive recognition of good character in the other person.

2. Acknowledge positive words used or action taken by the other person.

3. Value the other person by what you say publically about them to others.

We hope all your relationships will be helped as you put this into practice.

Dave and Gail

Everyday Opportunities

2010-02-01T08:45:00.000-08:00

To quote Oswald Chambers," Ministering in everyday opportunities means being God's very special choice to be available for use in any of the seemingly random surroundings which He has engineered. " Even as I realize the truth about that statement I have to also recognize that life is not about me it is about Him.

When I am caught up in what God can do for me then I lose sight of the overwhelming focus of God through Jesus Christ which is redemption of the whole world. He wants my availablity not my expectations of His service of me. As I take the focus off me I experience more of the freedom that He has already given me in a relationship with Him. And I become more likely able to hear His call to join Him in the redemptive plan for this world.

As I attempt to challenge myself to move in this direction may I invite you along too.

The Importance of Giving Yourself

2009-09-11T08:41:00.001-07:00

Robert Lupton spent twenty years of his life directing a nonprofit organization in Atlanta that helped urban poor to live productive and self sustaining lives. He made this statement, "The greatest poverty is the inability to give." In our culture the everyday message from advertising to personal conversation seems to focus on what we can get for ourselves.

Recently I read a small book by Randy Alcorn entitled The Treasury Principal. The essence of this book for me was again the value in our lives of giving especially in the area of our financial resources.

What I am reading and experiencing is the deep sense of meaning in life that comes when we have the freedom to give in all aspects of life...time, money, friendship, etc. I like to use the example if you are a believer that one of God's character qualities is giving and when we give it is as if we become a conduit of His life flowing through us to another and in the process a deposit of that Eternal Life is left in us.

Giving is one of the great evidences of freedom in our lives. We rarely give when we operate in fear, anxiety or depresssion and yet, for anyone suffering in any of the three aforementioned conditions, giving might result in some real help when they can look outside themselves. What they may need most is a deposit of that Life into their own.

Paying it forward, giving without expectation of return, is another expression of the hope and freedom that comes from giving. I would love to hear from you about how giving has unintentionally become a vehicle of encouragement in your life.

Importance of Deep Relationships

2009-02-17T08:16:00.001-08:00

This morning I was reading in a place that I don't usually pick up ideas for relationships, the book of Leviticus in the Bible. The passages were all about what the Israelites had to do if they sinned to receive forgiveness. What hit me was the detail of the description and the impact on me was that God wanted a continuing relationship with His people and He prescribed very specific things to be done for that relationship to be continued.

Where this took me was am I willing to go through whatever efforts it might take for me to remain in relationship with others? Will I forgive others when they hurt or offend me? Will I seek their forgiveness when I hurt or offend them? Am I willing to seek others out and build relationship even when we simply disagree or have waned in our expressions of friendship, family or love? How important are the relationships in my life?

As a male I may have fewer inclinations towards relationships than a female might but as a human being I am designed at some level to be a social being. In the cultures I grew up in relationships were often not deeply encouraged or pursued. Now as I have read this morning I am more aware of the effort and time that relationships take.

It is fascinating to me that this is the subject that brought me back to this blog after such a long time of non involvement. I truly hope that over time this will be another place to learn and grow with others as I share about relationships and as I learn from any who might read and respond.

Letting Go

2008-03-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

After a prolonged blogging absence I am back. Although my title is not about letting go of my desires to regularly participate in this blog it does have to do with one area of self related expectations. It is already March, no surprise to anyone who reads this soon but it gives perspective to future readers, and I am thinking back to the recent Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations and what it was like to have limited participation by each of our children who are no longer residing at home and no involvement by our son in the Navy.

As I thought about hopes and request for their presence anytime during the year I realized that if we were constantly requesting or demanding that they spend time with us they might respond by visiting but we might not really know what their motive would be (just to please mom and dad?) or the impact (possible resentment at strong demands for them to be here?). It could just as easily be guilt or resentment as it was love, respect and interest.

When we allow them the freedom at this point in their lives to make their own decision the time they do decide to spend with us is more likely to be positive and healthy for all of us.

Is it hard to offer that open handed, freedom based request? Yes! Does it hurt a little or a lot when they decide to be somewhere else? …at some level yes. But we offer them a real sense of our valuing who they are when we “allow” them their own decisions. Then the times when they choose to spend with us encourage the relationship to grow deeper and more meaningful for all.

We have heard many who are deeply saddened when children leave home after high school or college. We have experienced that for both the child who leaves and the parents who remain this is a good opportunity to find a completeness not in each other but from within, particularly if you have a faith directed belief in God with whom you walk through this event.

It takes me back to an expression I first heard in my introductory college psychology course. Looking ahead to children leaving the home might present and emotional “approach avoidance situation” Enjoy approaching their maturing and your freedom to do more of what you like and you may indirectly avoid some of the associated loss of their leaving.

Is There Purpose in Relationships?

2007-11-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

Is there a “source” for relationships? Do they come from somewhere? Are they the natural result of being a human being? Do they flow from loneliness, need or something else maybe even something bigger than us?

Whether or not one believes in God I think it is interesting to read things from all sources including the bible, and look at life from a different light. Take Genesis 1:26-27 for instance:

“Then God said, “let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness,
…and God created man in His own image. In the image of God He created them;
male and female He created them:”

Did you notice it? Did it stand out to you? Yes, it talks about God creating but what hit me was what the image of God was. In the first phrase there are three plural pronouns. God lives in relationship with Himself (something I would never claim to understand). IF, God truly did create mankind in His image then we would reflect him, we would be created in and for relationship.

That would mean we are created for relationship with God (all three of Him) and with each other. Is the possibility of relationships and the plausibility of relationships mapped somewhere deep in our DNA?

For me the answer is a resounding yes. Today, I am taken back years to college when I first read about babies with no parents who died when they had no human touch. Even if they had all the nourishment and protection they needed without a basic relationship of being touched by other humans they died.

Relationships are part of our very being and even if we have a personality that draws energy from being by ourselves I believe we will find a certain joy and even necessity in relationships.

Without Hope There is Nothing

2007-11-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

The ebb and flow of every relationship begins in the Petri dish of hope. Without it the relationship never begins except for those formed out of requirements like employment, abuse and slavery.

For the others, those of choice and even love they are born of hope. A young woman meets a man who is caring, receiving and even at some level “softer” than other men she has known. A hope is born in her hear, “could this be the one?”

A man sees a woman, first attracted by her visually, he risks and she responds. The hope springs alive within him.

When this hope is encouraged, fed and grows so does the relation between a man and woman, two friends, fellow workers, or whoever is willing to offer hope to another.

The beginning of the end of that relationship is when hope is nicked or damaged. If not repaired the loss of hope over a period of time is the bleed that leads to the ultimate death of the relationship.

Hope is built on caring, communicating, truthfulness, being real and trust. If you desire to grow a relationship you are currently in or start a new one feed it with these morsels.

Two Ears - One Mouth

2007-10-31T11:20:00.000-07:00

With a title like this you might assume that I am suggesting that having two ears means that we should use them twice as much as we use our mouth. You are right. Practicing good listening skills is a very powerful way to say you care for another person or at some level you are valuing them. This will be helpful in all kinds of relationships including but not limited too husband – wife, employee – employer, parent – child, doctor – patient, etc.

The use of the most basic listening skill, content listening, in which you convey back to the speaker what you have heard and get their acknowledgement of your having heard them correctly is a powerful relationship tool.

Most of us hear around 20% of what is being said and then we proceed in our minds to start forming our response. We can begin to build a statement of agreement or opposition but in either case we are no longer clearly hearing what the speaker is saying. When, we respond with our statement without confirming what we have heard the door is then open to confusion and argument. It can also lead to each person “building their case” even in situations that they agree on but they have not clearly heard each other.

The simple use of a phrase like, “this is what I heard you say”, and then waiting to hear the other person’s agreement that you have heard them builds a foundation for clear communication even when you disagree. We all have a need to feel significant and real listening to a person gives them a sense of value and significance.

We encourage you to use your ears well today.

Dave & Gail

A Key to Joyful Relationships

2007-10-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

We had a fight yesterday over how I (Dave) responded to Gail's question about men I respected. She felt like I was negative in the way I responded and therefore felt like I had "cut her off at the knees". There are a myriad of reactions I could have had but rather than go to all those defensive places today I thought about what the whole interaction said about our not having joy in our relationship.

What I believe ultimately happened to both of us is that we took hold of one of the key elements that kills joyfulness in a relationship, self focus. I in my maleness was reacting to feeling put on the spot. I thought giving an answer to the question was much more significant than what Gail wanted by asking the question. I became focused on securing my safety by turning the question back to her and asking "what women do you respect?"

Her reaction was more to my tone than to my words as all she wanted in asking the question was to connect with me and learn more about me. She became self focused in reaction to my tone.

As I write here this morning with much more time to have viewed it all I realize that had either or both of us switched our focus to other-centeredness both the experience and the outcome would have been more endearing.

Relationships so often get bogged down in self focus. We look to the other to get our sense of okayness, value, self worth, etc. and the other person feels trapped, used, or just plain doesn't understand. One of the most valuable things we can do to experience joy in a relationship is to become other centered. When we can stop in the middle of an arguement, take a moment before we react and just ask ourselves what is he/she looking for. What do they need? How can I give to them rather than get something I need? By asking those kinds of questions we begin the opportunity to give to the other person.

The amazing thing about giving is that when it is done in a healthy manner it actually gives back. When we give any good thing to another we are going to experience the positive response of that gift as it flows out of us. (Unless our total motiviation for giving is to get).

Gail and I have not fully repaired the relationship from the events of yesterday but I am going to begin to look for ways to give to her today simply to convey to her my love and her importance. Hopefully, I will have more to give to you via this blog as I put into practice what I have suggested here.